Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
Quite frankly, I consider the fact that I'm NOT pregnant one of my greatest achievements and I'd like to chronicle that ongoing success. I'm going to post pictures of me at "0 weeks" once a week.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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