hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Randomize
