Just cropdusted the office
i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
I am midnight drunk by noon
I just gift wrapped bread.
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
I want to hump her dimples until her face caves in.
So many issues. You honestly need help.
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
Randomize
