you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Randomize
