someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
I only kidnapped one of them. chill
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
Randomize
