life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
My boss' voice literally gives me gas
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
Home. Hour long discussion with mom. Very frightened. Eating a sausage. Don't remember making it. Confused.
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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