Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
I want to hump her dimples until her face caves in.
So many issues. You honestly need help.
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
