We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
why do our vaginas work when we are blacked out?? it's just not fair.
Part in the USA is on your top 25 most played on iTunes. you have NO RIGHT to judge me.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Randomize
