it wasn't lemon gatorade
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
this makes me concerned. not enough to actually do anything about it, but yeah.
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Randomize
