drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
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