Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
she looked like she should be chained to micheal vicks radiator
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
Unfortunately the rum ran out midway through our viewing and we had to suffer in silence for the rest of it.
Randomize
