This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
U shoulda just taken her to a stall and banged her and let me watch the game. Some friend u r.
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
How does it feel to date your dad?
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
Randomize
