i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
Randomize
