you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
i found waldo and immediately set him to work eating me out. please have more out of season costume parties.
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
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