I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
We left the knife in your bed.
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
Randomize
