I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
Hurry up I might actually study if I am left alone
my shit smells like andre
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
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