Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
And thanks! There are perks to polyamory. And birthday orgies are one of them
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
She was topless, yelling this is Sparta, threatening to push her dad into the sewer. I am pretty sure she won't be at school.
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
Randomize
