life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
bathroom sex at kohls isnt as trashy as it seems
have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
I love you.
Bad choice
Randomize
