hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
Randomize
