you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
It was her first time with a girl so I put on my tegan and Sara playlist to really get the full experience.
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
