it's a well known fact that sluts are attracted to bright colors
american apparel?
try lime green
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
If it makes you feel any better... I have a friend who found out her mom was in the video for 2 Live Crew's "Pop That Pussy"
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
Randomize
