God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
