the night i cant remember will be the night i always remember thanks to my "i
wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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