If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
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