we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
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