last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
Randomize
