Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
Randomize
