so im kinda of nervous about the whole bust inside event last night
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
Its not college unless your study breaks were to go throw up from blacking out the night before
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
Randomize
