those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
Randomize
