Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
I was at the bar last night dancing, puking in a trash can, and ordering another drink all at the same time. Have I lost my dignity?
haha no as long as you did hook up with anybody after that.
... oops
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
wouldnt it be awesome if walks of shame were like charity walks...you could get sponsors and shit and donate money to curing STDs or cancer
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
Handicvap rails on the toilet atre soooooo fuckin handy right nmow.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
One of these days I would like to go out drinking and stick to plan of just getting drunk and not be sidetracked with other people's plans of doing drugs along the way. I didn't even want to not feel my teeth tonight but here we go just another Thursday night when you live I live
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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