Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
IF WE WERE REALLY BEST FRIENDS FOREVER YOU GUYS WOULD AGREE TO A WATCHING A PORNO PARTY
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
I am NOT losing my v-card to a guy who doesn't know my ass from my elbow.
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
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