At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
i used baking grease as lip gloss
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
I'm just not sure how to initiate the "do you want to have sex with my boyfriend and I" conversation
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
I did nothing besides stay sober all night, I walked home to find max naked knocking cups off the counter with his cock lol
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
Randomize
