It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
Randomize
