I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
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