Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
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