I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
I just saw a commercial for "tickle me elmo hands" and I am almost 100 percent sure that at the end elmo said "yeaaaaa boooyyyyyy"
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
Randomize
