I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
wait you fucked a guy who wears k-swiss? seriously?
I know, im living my 7th grade dream
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
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