god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
i stuck my finger in my ass and it felt weird. but you know. it should be different when a guy does it right?
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
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