we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
Ive got small boobs, but they sure do like to pop out and party with the big dogs.
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
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