Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
Your place is a magnet for either righteous parties or crippling alcohol dependency. Lets find out which together
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
Randomize
