i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
A talk about Arizona woman's rights politics has never turned to sex so quickly before.
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
Alcohol and IMDB don't always mix with 100% accuracy
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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