R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
He said he got a lot of action last night. I asked how much? And he said he got to see down her shirt. Freshmen never cease to amaze me.
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
Randomize
