Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
Pretty sure my body is in shock, I shouldn't feel this ok after last nite.
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
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