Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
Randomize
