Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
16 and pregnant actually makes me really happy that i'm gay
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
Randomize
