my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
Came so hard when I was riding him that I actually bit some of his chest hair off. He said I was the first girl ever to do THAT.
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
I say this out of love and friendship. Eat ice cream not the d.
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
