Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
I did sing regulators with a random black dude at The Rail without looking at the screen, hugged him and walked off stage. I pretty much live up to all expectations.
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
Two words: blizzard sex
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
Having to do the walk of shame on crutches was defiently a first for me. cheers to the governor, klove
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
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