how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
dude if looks could fuck you two would've been naked in front of everybody
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
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