WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
Randomize
