my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
this is the fifth day in a row i've woken up after 3 pm, hungover. I might die when snowmageddon is finally over and we have to go back to class. my liver wont know how to take it.
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
Randomize
