I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
It was like getting head from an anaconda
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
also, i am in no position to judge as my life choices today went along the lines of "YAY VODKA". for breakfast.
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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