3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
Can you really blame Steve Phillips? He went to Michigan. Plowing fat girls is a 100-level course there.
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
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