I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
Randomize
