i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
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