I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
seriously, i never want to drink Robitussin again. her face was melting as i tried to convince her i wasnt high and i probably would have fucked ray. his parents thought i was a sweet charming lesbian.
This is why you are not allowed out in public.
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
Randomize
